THREE ASPECTS OF NARCISSISM
These days it is common for people to accuse others of being ‘narcissists’ – so much so that the term becomes a cliché, denuded of clear meaning. I suggest there are three distinct but related aspects of narcissism: 1, egocentricity; 2, grandiosity; 3, libidinal investment in the self. In full blown narcissistic pathology, these three are combined, but often one feature is more prominent. Here I will focus on egocentricity.
We all begin life in an egocentric position, seeing the world from only our own point of view. This is determined by our own needs, desires, emotions, and perceptions. What gratifies us is felt to be good; what frustrates or disturbs us is perceived as bad. Others are perceived not as separate centres of experience and autonomy, but as figures that serve us in good or bad ways. Gradually, with the maturation of cognitive and emotional intelligence, we become more able to appreciate that others are persons just like us. A key achievement of maturation is the ability to imagine an other person’s experience based on how the world might appear to them – crucially in ways that might differ significantly from how the world appears to us. This requires an openness to the other person’s communications and a capacity to resonate to their emotions – and this must be combined with a suspension of our usual assumptions and prejudices. It is quite a hard achievement. We might expect psychotherapists to have this capacity, but in my experience not all do.
Some people retain a marked egocentrism as adults. It may be hidden because in other ways they have developed seemingly normal social skills, but the egocentrism remains, with marked adverse effects on others. This causes difficulties in relationships and in the workplace.
Here are the features. The person is unable to consider points of view other than their own, although they may pretend to. He or she will be incapable of genuine empathy. Mirror neuron responsiveness may be present, but it will not be accompanied by a thoughtful consideration of the other’s experience. The person will make assumptions about how the other may feel, their motives, and so forth. This is a pseudo-empathy, which results in frequent misinterpretation of others. Essentially, such a person is incapable of mentalising – the activity of understanding minds, their own and that of other people. They will be trapped in a unitary reality of their own perception – not recognising they have a mind and a point of view, but assuming instead that what they perceive is reality.
If a person with this kind of egocentricity enters psychotherapy, there are some common features. Initially, he or she may appear not to grasp that they have a mind that is in need of understanding. Instead, they will seem to assume they are simply talking about reality and will expect to be given advice on how to deal with this reality. If the psychotherapist questions what is said, or presents an alternative perspective, the person will assume the therapist does not understand and is in need of further explanation. The analyst’s intervention may be experienced as an unwelcome intrusion into their solipsistic discourse. A different or later position for the egocentric individual is to assume that what is required is to identify with the analyst and learn the analyst’s theory. Essentially this is a shift from one fixed perception to another – albeit one that may be less obvious to the analyst.
Unfortunately, this egocentricity seems common amongst psychotherapists themselves, who may use theoretical assumptions about their clients and patients in place of empathy. Here are some indicators of this. The psychotherapist talks a lot – seems to have a lot to say – and may appear to be trying to persuade the patient of a particular point of view. He or she may appear to make assumptions about the patient’s motives, feelings, and needs, and will seem quite certain and confident. These assumptions may be based on the therapist’s own experiences and theories rather than upon what is communicated by the patient. The prevalence of this egocentricity amongst psychotherapists is less surprising when we consider that frequently it is those with interpersonal difficulties who choose to train in psychotherapy, seeking solutions to their own problems. Unfortunately, their egocentricity may not be adequately addressed in their own therapy.
Egocentric people are difficult. In the workplace, they consume resources, failing to take account of the needs of the team or organisation, displaying attitudes of entitlement, and frequently complaining and pursuing grievances. They may take long periods of sick leave, without concern for the welfare of their colleagues. A hidden grandiosity leads them to feel unappreciated.
Fundamentally, the realisation that other people have their own perspectives and emotions that are essentially unknown to us is a shock, a trauma – one that every child has to negotiate as best they can. Many fail to do so. This can be helped by the availability of genuinely thoughtfully empathic parents who can model consideration of other people’s points of view and experience. As the psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut was fond of emphasising, empathy is an essential psychological nutrient for human development – one that was severely lacking in his own childhood experience of his mother. When the mother herself is egocentric, the child has to struggle to escape the prison of the maternal perspective.
All of us, without exception, can be egocentric to varying degrees. When we are stressed, ill, or depressed, this is exacerbated. In addition, our libido turns more in on ourselves and our bodies. There is a ubiquitous and rather horrifying aspect to this that I call ‘quantum selecting’. It has long been established that at the quantum subatomic level, what occurs, or at least what we observe, is in certain subtle ways determined by the consciousness and expectations of the human observer and the contextual framework of the observation. Consciousness becomes revealed as primary, somehow selecting reality from a range of possibilities. This has been described particularly by quantum physicist Henry Stapp. From my own clinical and personal observations, I have proposed that something similar happens between people. One person makes assumptions about the other and, particularly if this person has a dominant consciousness, these characteristics are selected and made real in the other. These malign and covert processes are more pronounced when the dominant figure is egocentric. When this occurs in psychotherapy, the egocentric therapist believes that the patients are all confirming his or her perspective and theory.
The lesson of this is that the human species is impaired by its narcissism. We are social beings. We create complex societal system that depend upon cooperation. Our narcissism and egocentricity are in direct conflict with societal needs. It is malignant narcissism that drives people to exploit one another and to go to war. The antidote is to recognise that no matter how clever, and no matter what status we achieve, we are all limited, ignorant, and foolish – and that we do not understand one another. The illusion of understanding is damaging. For those of us who are psychotherapists, I recommend a stance that recognises the client as a sacred unknown other – one who, if we are patient and trustworthy, may in time reveal something of their own authentic being. And for the client or patient, the lesson is that it is egocentricity that hides their true nature from themselves – for the ego knows nothing!
Further thoughts on these matters can be found in my three books on narcissism: The Fragile Self: the Structure of Narcissistic Disturbance (Whurr/Wiley, 1993); Releasing the Self: the Healing Legacy of Heinz Kohut (Whurr/Wiley 2001); Pathologies of the Self (Confer, 2020). Further information on ‘quantum selecting’ can be found in my book The Physics of the Mind (Karnac 2025).